How did you cope when someone you love, dealing with hyper-independence and trauma, felt they needed space to heal alone? Were you able to support them without overstepping, and did you eventually reconnect? How did that journey unfold?
08.06.2025 12:44
How about an answer from the other side!
When I knew a trigger had happened , I had to tell her “ it’s gonna be a restless night , I’ll sleep on sofa , not touch or speak to me , don’t try to help, just leave me , “ she didn’t get it.i was aware of what caused it , it was a thunder storm , I was afraid if it but I became very angry and aggressive , I patrolled the entire house all night , disturbing whole house , ready to fight the world , all while still asleep. I carried makeshift weapons . Scared the shit out if 7 other of her family, they didn’t listen to her ,
I awoke after 4 hours of not moving wondering g WTF , they all looked terrified as I still had golf club in my hand, totally naked.
Put in care at 5 adopted at 7 taken to another country , from 7–11 I was taught by adoptive dad to survive in a military way , I often disappeared on US military base , to live for a few days rough , mum taught me how to keep house , cook clean , iron clothes, very independent , capable by 11, could hunt , kill prey , cook it eat it without getting food poisoning, make camp, shelter, was equal to most service men aged 25 , dad was an expert,.
They were running from room to room to escape , when storm dropped I went to sleep on floor , it took me till just a few weeks ago to understand where that came from, 55 years of acting that way in thunderstorms.
had only one friend there , for about 15 months , till he got stabbed to death in 1980, I had a group that always hung around me for protection as I was a hard little fucker , small for my age never hit past 5ft 6 1/2. Was trained to fight by adoptive dad , sometimes 4–5 would sleep on my floor as they darent go to their rooms . But occasionally I had nightmares and freak outs that always ended badly till every body learned to leave me alone and do t interact with me .
I was messed up, abandoned many times , ignored , left to manage alone many many times.
I walked out at 16 as I had secretly joined British army , told no one I was going,
in army I was flying , already had big head start , was used as examples to others , my problem was lack of formal education , had education level of 11 at 16. But same problem , nightmares , freak outs , till senior nco took me to one side, spoke to me as equal, that’s when I knew when it would happen, what triggered it , I would tell him and he d arrange for a single room for me , told all the rest to not interfere, or try help , that’s when I learned to never leave this room , a code word to tell rest of them it’s ok now , he kept me away from shrinks or been kicked out if army cos I more than useful .
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I can’t forgive others so I can’t be forgiven
I offered no explanation, they were too afraid to push it , really tense day , I hated the fact that her mum and two sisters were too afraid to be in same room as me, all I could say was I told you not to touch me or get involved, I stayed in the room where the sofa was sleep raging , untill dad opened door with brother to try to help , I decked them both , but door was open now , I patrolled house as if no one else was in house they quickly learned to keep out if the way and I ignored them like the Borg in Star Trek.
I told her “ I will never hit you , never cheat o. You, if you want me to never lie don’t ask about my past cos I will lie”
I eventually fell asleep at back of front door, my girlfriend, her stepdad and step brother sat on stairs watching me from abou 4am till 8 , he didn’t go to work , girlfriend didn’t either, no one dare go about their daily business,
Ayer walking out in my wife and daughters 10 years ago, I’m only one to know , working this out on my own , but I can’t go back till I’m fixed, even then it’s only maybe , cos what fucked me ip was constantly been abandoned, then I realised recently that that’s what I did to them ,
Was never promoted in 11 year I was in army , but I was a bloody good grunt , temperament of a rat catcher’s terrier, fast able ,
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then it went to shit in 1974, ended up in U.K. care system again, they had never come across any one like me , I kept to myself , refused to mix with others , refused offers of temporary care or adoption ,didn’t attend school, after 6 months my odd behaviour was accepted as u was no trouble, rarely ate at meal times , did my own laundry , cleaned my own room , others had to share , not me , had access to kitchen did my own meals after 8pm , left it cleaner than I found it ,
I was terrified if her witnessing my flaws
moved into her house , we shared a room
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There were 4–5 instances a year fading to 1 per year as I got older so in 32 years my wife saw maybe 100 instances, each time gleaming a little bit more info , I never expanded on any of this , read my past li es in Quora to learn more,
But only I know
I could strip , fault find , repair, clean and reassemble most small arms used by US military by 11.
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I C was extremely independent, refusing help from others even on thing I clearly couldn’t manage , this frustrated everyone around me , I now know where that comes from , the last 3–4 months have been enlightening, I had a road to Damascus moment , and so much of my life now makes sense ( thanks to Quora and online lady called Lara Leon).
eventually maybe even reluctantly got my first girl at 19.